I feel so fortunate to have spent this week on retreat at Sarum College. I booked two mini-retreats, with a space in between, the Integration through Life Transitions retreat package. We gathered as a group after lunch on Monday, with some trepidation, for the first part ‘Navigating Life Transitions.’ What was about to unfold, who would we be journeying with, how might this work? Revd Canon Dr Nigel Rooms was our retreat leader; he soon put us at ease.
We engaged in Dwelling in the Word, soaking in scriptures, then talking through our observations with a ‘reasonably-friendly looking stranger’ in the room. But strangers soon became friends, as we travelled together.
Nigel introduced us to ‘the rollercoaster of discipleship’, a tried and tested framework for mapping how transitions happen. A colourful map, to help orient ourselves, wherever we found ourselves as we faced our own transitions. (I particularly liked the use of liturgical colours in the map… but I realise that’s perhaps a bit niche!) We faced up to the resistance we experience as we navigate change, the feelings we encounter, the losses and the gains.
As I reflect, I notice that I tend to write on the downward curve, especially on the cusp of purple to black. I think the visual words that is writing is my way of paying attention to what I am noticing, of being really present and curious. The suspension of trust in what I know and how I am interpreting the situation. I look backwards at my life and notice the times of large writing… Lent 2016, when I gave up pink for Lent. Some of that journey is documented here.Why am I giving up Pink for Lent?. In January 2017, I wrote 30,000 words overnight, 14 hours straight typing, no moving, no food or drink, write night, noticing, letting go, shifting perceptions. In Lent 2019, I wrote 200,000 words during Lent, processing my life story. In November 2023, I wrote 60,000 words in a weekend, processing my experiences of both a residential training event, and the previous few years of challenging experiences with bishops re understanding of neurodiversity. It’s a revelation to me to have this map, and to be able to spot that the writing is my way of being totally present on the cusp of purple to black.
I also notice that some of my peak creative moments have been in the bleakness of desolation black, and the processing of it in the red – extra dependence, presencing. Mary, Undoer of Knots, Parallel Lives, God’s Eye, Baby Tree Story Restore Joy Choose Life, Spirals / Formation… Some of those, especially Our Lady, Spirals and Baby Tree are about the U journey, without me having the map or the language.
I notice that extra-dependence has been really key for me, in presencing – especially in letting be and in letting come. (My gift of hypomania & hyperfocus have been particularly helpful in enabling me to suspend what I know in the letting go bit transitioning into black – when my writing occurs.) Particular people that have held me in this presencing bit are my previous spiritual director Yvonne, my dear friends Simon and Fiona, and the guides that I have encountered on retreat at St Beuno’s. I am so grateful to other friends and family who have prayed for me, and supported me through all of this. Not least my amazing husband Phil – who after all that we have walked through, still wrote in my anniversary card this year ‘hopefully many more adventures to come’. Much to ponder as I sit in the gap between retreats.
I also notice that Nigel had said that sometimes the emergence up the right hand side of the U can happen really quickly. That’s exactly what I’m experiencing. As I am on retreat now, I place myself on this U – I am currently heading towards the top of the yellow, emerging. I’m finding it quite discombobulating, having spent close to three years in the purple then black at the bottom of the U in this period of transition. Autistic burnout, depression, ignorance and misunderstanding re neurodiversity. But here I stand, suddenly emerging, newly well, encountering myself afresh, stretching my wings.
Hospitality at Sarum was superb. We were looked after with delicious food at mealtimes, and tasty cake at breaktimes. Gathering together with others in the building at mealtimes is a treat, a melting pot of wonderfully interesting people, from those working at the college, those gathering for all sorts of other courses and meetings, and those just visiting the college. Opportunities for fascinating conversations if you want them.
At the end of the first retreat, some of the group went home, whilst others of us stayed on – with a 24 hour gap before the second mini-retreat started. Time to pray and reflect, to process; I lingered in the library, I crocheted in the common room, but I also took advantage of the college’s proximity to Salisbury. During the afternoon I took myself out and treated myself to chocolate brownie and cocktails! (I’ve never indulged like this on retreat, but it was a rather lovely addition!) I met up with a friend in the evening, and another friend the following morning – for me, welcome re-connection after I have struggled with a long period of unwellness. Nigel also offered time to participants for a 1-1 reflective conversation, which (as an external processor) I found really helpful for grounding what we had worked on in the first retreat.
Then in the afternoon we welcomed new participants to join our group, for the ‘Integration through Mid-Life Transition Retreat’. Continuing to dwell in the word, exploring the richness of the bible text. Then re-visiting the transitions model – with those of us who had travelled the first part of the week, introducing it to those that had joined us. We were all soon at ease with the model. Then we spent time with Jung, exploring our shadow side – assembling our shadow cabinet, being curious to those parts of ourselves we often want to hide. Much to think about overnight.
In the morning, one of the participants asks if we can have the lights on in the room. The retreat leader, by that point knowing something of my painful experiences, checks with me if that is going to be OK. I feel so seen and my needs valued, this is incredibly healing after all that I faced in November 2023, nearly 3 years ago – it was the lights then that were the final straw that broke me. Here, now, in Sarum College, this feels a really safe space to be me, to be present.
On the final morning, falling upwards! I quote: “There is a famous Jewish teaching that is often told as a humorous but profound joke about heaven, usually attributed to the Hasidic master Rabbi Zusya of Hanipol. Before he died, Rabbi Zusya said:
“In the world to come, they will not ask me, ‘Why were you not Moses?’ Because I would say, ‘I did not have the leadership skills of Moses.’ And they will not ask me, ‘Why were you not Elijah?’ Because I would say, ‘I did not have the fiery passion of Elijah.’
Instead, they will ask me: ‘Zusya, why were you not Zusya?‘ That is the question that makes me tremble.”
And tremble indeed we did, as we were then asked to reflect on our experience, to look at our journey, and this time to look ahead, looking forward in our transitions… to imagine, what might our integrated selves look like? Time in creative process to draw / colour / paint / doodle, and then time to share, time to notice, to be curious, to honour the images drawn by our fellow travellers.
Wow, what a treat. Usually I have to make time for creative processing after an organised thing. What a gift to have it actually as part of the retreat. I reflect. I revisit some of my previous writings and creative work. I remember Becoming I, not on this blog, but published in a book, Enfleshing the Unconscious. At that point, I painted myself naked, my mind clouded in unknowing, butterfly wings furled behind me, in browns and pink. I was surrounded by a broken chrysalis, as I was starting to emerge. Written around the chrysalis, were all sorts of words, words that people had used to name me, words that I had used to name myself.
But this morning, I revisit Becoming I. I look ahead, to picture myself emerging from the U. I no longer want to paint myself naked. I am standing in the same stance, but this time I am ready to face myself with wings unfurled, with all the colours in the wings. I am accepting and integrating the different aspects of me into myself. I’m not being named by others, this time, I am knowing deeply my own names. Some of these aspects fully integrated into me, some of them partially, and some of them I’m just starting to notice again, to allow breathing space in my shadow cabinet!
All of this taking place in the Close at Salisbury, with the magnificent Cathedral next door. Our time together rooted in worship at the Cathedral, from morning prayer and Eucharist, with the light gradually growing in intensity through the Amnesty window, to the glorious sounds of Evensong in the afternoon. For me it was a really safe space, held so well, enabling me to process so much, to reflect on my journey, to offer it to God, and to leave, open to all that might follow.
I have a map! I’ve spent 23 years doing serious work in spiritual direction, re transitions / processing painful stuff / crossing thresholds, letting go, emerging… and finally, I have a map! A glorious map, with liturgical colours which speak so deeply to me. I have a map. It is life-changing. I finally have a map!
Thank you Sarum. Thank you Nigel.
If you want to explore further, there’s a book – Crossing Thresholds By Timothy Carson, Rosy Fairhurst, Nigel Rooms and Lisa Withrow