Wildness & Warmth

Wow, where is time going?

I had a really useful meeting with my spiritual director a few weeks ago – reflecting more on this control / apathy thing. In particular, I realised that for me, when I lean towards apathy it’s a health thing too. It’s like I literally throw my arms back and opt out of everything – including bothering to look after myself. It’s not a helpful, healthful trait of mine, and I think I’m also starting to realise the impact this has on other people too. When I choose apathy, I zone out from other people – for my friends this tends to mean I withdraw; at work this means I don’t show up because I’m ill. I guess I’ve tended to think of my health just being ‘my problem’, but realising this helps me to see that I really need to learn to stay hold of who I am, to keep on top of myself /my health, because I don’t want to cause this impact on other people too.

In talking it through with my spiritual director we reflected on the phrase ‘the wildness and warmth’ of God, from Jim Cotter. I think in my quest for control, it’s like I want to ‘control God’; to categorise / confine / understand him, and then put him in a box. This phrase has been particularly helpful to me; I’ve been dwelling on it / letting it seep into me over the last few weeks. As I’m doing my studies it’s opening it up even more to me, just how big this God is, and how wild… how he challenges the status quo, he challenges our assumptions – yet there is a warmth to him – this is a message of love, of salvation, of becoming the people he truly created us to be – if we’re willing to let him change us / live in us / breathe in us.

It’s just such a challenge to me at the moment, to really let this hope / love live out through me, and to let it speak to my behaviour. I’m still muddling along /messing about with this whole food thing. I know I have a problem with food; and I’m pinging again between control and apathy. It makes me feel really cross. I know there are better ways to be; but it’s like I start eating some chocolate / bread or pasta and I turn into this addict who just craves more and more. I had a bit of a wake-up call yesterday, (having started eating carbs again), when I saw the nurse for my asthma review, and my peak flow was down to 450 (the predicted one was 490 for me). I had hoped it would be higher than this. I really need to stop this messing about. I don’t even really know why I start putting these things in my mouth. Part of me feels like I ‘deserve’ chocolate / treat / that it’s not fair that I should have to go without these things. However, I think I need to somehow wake myself up. The negative consequences for me, when I first start eating something like chocolate / carbs are:

  • My brain turns into a chocolate obsession, and I start finding ways / obsessing over when / how / where /what I will eat next
  • My breathing starts to get worse
  • My neck, chin start to get itchy
  • My nose starts to get more blocked, and my ears seem to get more itchy too
  • The weight starts to go up again (and then I start to feel bad)
  • I feel more tired
  • I feel more lethargic, and am more likely to spend the evening watching telly than doing something I actually find satisfying / productive /interesting
  • I start to withdraw from others, as I feel bad / guilty
  • This tends to lead to more extreme apathy
Hmmmm, I guess I should balance this with how do I actually feel when I eat the things that really work for me – meat / veg / carb free / vlcd
  • I feel full of energy
  • My weight starts going down
  • My breathing is better, and I rarely need to take any inhaler
  • I wake up in the morning full of beans and ready to start the day
  • I feel good about myself
  • I feel in control
Argggg, so why do I ping from this state of healthfulness, to one where it all starts to go wrong. I know in the past I have identified myself with the former state, and saw myself as fat and unhealthy, and didn’t think there was anything I could do about it. But having lost 8 stone and feeling so much better, I thought I’d got past that. I’m not quite sure what is drawing me back or why I’m behaving in these ways that I know lead to a negative spiral for me. There must be some payoff somewhere… otherwise I wouldn’t keep doing it. So what is it that leads me to convince myself that the first piece of chocolate is a good idea.
Hmmmm, something for me to think about /work out. For now, I need to go and get little one from nursery.

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